Gender Jokes
Home / Funny jokes / Gender Jokes

Gender Jokes

This page contains 10 Gender Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Gender Jokes first.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN... compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN... show up naked, bring beer.

Boy, 'Excuse me, you got something on your ass!'
Girl, 'What is it?'
Boy, 'Only my eyes!'

Impress a Woman and a Man HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN... compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN... show up naked, bring beer.

Oil Changing Instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3)15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee Total = $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full.
Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up.
Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up;
poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up;
finish case of beer with him.
Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer.
No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11;
buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: $50.00 parts $25.00 beer $75.00 replacement set of jack stands $1,000.00 Bail $200.00 Impound and towing fee Total = $1350.00

Words Women Use Study this and know it!
FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up.
Never use 'fine'
to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour.
It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING This means 'something', and you should be on your toes.
'Nothing'
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
'Nothing'
usually signifies an argument that will last 'Five Minutes'
and end with 'Fine'.
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare.
One that will result in a woman getting upset over 'Nothing'
and will end with the word 'Fine'.
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means 'I give up'
or 'do what you want because I don't care'
You will get a 'Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead'
in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing'
and 'Fine'
and she will talk to you in about 'Five Minutes'
when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.
A 'Loud Sigh'
means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over 'Nothing'.
SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement.
'Soft Sighs'
mean that she is content.
Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
'That's Okay'
means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.
'That's Okay'
is often used with the word 'Fine'
and in conjunction with a 'Raised Eyebrow.
GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer.
A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.
You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a 'That's Okay.'
THANKS A woman is thanking you.
Do not faint.
Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT This is much different from 'Thanks.'
A woman will say, 'Thanks A Lot'
when she is really ticked off at you.
It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the 'Loud Sigh.'
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the 'Loud Sigh,'
as she will only tell you 'Nothing.'

A women once said: 'A man is like a deck of playing cards: You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to beat him with and a spade to bury him!'

Guy Things 'I'M GOING FISHING'
Means: 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.'
'IT'S A GUY THING'
Means: 'There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical'.
'CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?'
Means: 'Why isn't it already on the table?'
'UH HUH,'
'SURE, HONEY,'
OR 'YES, DEAR...'
Means: Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response.
'IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN'
Means: 'I have no idea how it works.'
'I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.'
Means: 'I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.'
'TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD'.
Means: 'I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.'
'THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.'
Means: 'Are you still talking?'
'YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.'
Means: 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.'
'I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES'.
Means: 'The girl selling them on the corner had great tits.'
'OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.'
Means: 'I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.'
'HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING'.
Means: 'And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.'
'I CAN'T FIND IT.'
Means: 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.'
'WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?'
Means: 'What did you catch me at?'
'I HEARD YOU.'
Means: 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.'
'YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE'
Means: 'I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.'
'YOU LOOK TERRIFIC'
Means: 'Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.'
'I'M NOT LOST.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.'
Means: 'No one will ever see us alive again.'
'WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK'
Means: 'I make the messes, she cleans them up.'

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN... show up naked,bring beer.

Why did God invent a man first?
She wanted to start with something simple.

What is the difference between a boy and a girl?
The boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.




1 (2) 3

Categories:
Animal Bad Bar Dumb Blonde Celebrity Cheesy Chicken Christmas Chuck Norris Clean Computer Corny Dad Dark Humor Doctor Dirty Donald Trump Easter Fat For Kids Funny Riddles Funny Quotes Little Johnny Gay Gender Good Halloween Knock Knock Lawyer Lightbulb Jokes Military Old People One Liner Jokes Ponderisms Puns Redneck Relationship Religious School Short Jokes Silly Skeleton Valentines Day Yo Mama


Funny jokes