A Funny Story.
There are many wise and foolish men.
Like this guy named Billy.
Someone had an appointment with him yet when the person arrived, Billy was no where to be found.
Infuriated, the person picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on Billy's door 'STUPID OAF'
and went home.
Later Billy returned home and saw what was written on his door.
He immediately rushed to the persons house and said 'I'm sorry I forgot I had an appointment today.
I remembered the second I got home and saw your name on my door.'
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly, Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.
To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.
At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.
He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, 'May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'
The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies, 'No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!'
Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form.
I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident.
You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower.
When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware.
Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel.
Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down.
This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, '...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said, 'I think he said 'Holy Shit!
A talking pig!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: 'Can I help you?'
'Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines!'
An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks the beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.
What is six inches long with a head on it, that women like to blow?
A woman was taking a shower and then suddenly she hears the doorbell, so she goes to the door with no clothes on whatsoever and she says, 'Who is it?'.
And the person says: 'It's the blind man'
So she thinks that it will be alright because this man is blind, so she opens the door and the man says, 'Nice boobs love, here are your blinds!'
Two drunk guys are walking home from the pub, when they see a large hole in the ground.
Wanting to find out how deep it was, one man picked up a small pebble, and threw it down the hole.
They waited 5 minutes, but they did not hear the pebble hit the bottom.
Still determined, they found a large boulder, and rolled it down the hole.
They waited another couple of minutes, but they still couldn't hear it hit the bottom.
So they grabbed an old railway sleeper, and hauled it down the hole, still no sound.
They shrugged and were about to give up when a sheep appeared out of no-where, and jumped down the hole.
Shocked they just stood there.
Suddenly a farmer appeared spotting them he asked, 'Have u seen a sheep come pass?'
'Yeah' they replied, 'it just jumped down that hole'
The farmer scratched his head, 'That's funny, he was tied to an old railway sleeper.'