Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, 'Watson, look up.
What do you see?
'Well, I see thousands of stars.'
'And what does that mean to you?'
'Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow.
What does it mean to you, Holmes?'
'To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.'
A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, 'Hey, where've you been?
I haven't seen you around here much.'
The twenty answered, 'I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.
How about you?'
The one dollar bill said, 'You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.'
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.
To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.
At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.
He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, 'May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'
The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies, 'No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!'
Two drunk guys are walking home from the pub, when they see a large hole in the ground.
Wanting to find out how deep it was, one man picked up a small pebble, and threw it down the hole.
They waited 5 minutes, but they did not hear the pebble hit the bottom.
Still determined, they found a large boulder, and rolled it down the hole.
They waited another couple of minutes, but they still couldn't hear it hit the bottom.
So they grabbed an old railway sleeper, and hauled it down the hole, still no sound.
They shrugged and were about to give up when a sheep appeared out of no-where, and jumped down the hole.
Shocked they just stood there.
Suddenly a farmer appeared spotting them he asked, 'Have u seen a sheep come pass?'
'Yeah' they replied, 'it just jumped down that hole'
The farmer scratched his head, 'That's funny, he was tied to an old railway sleeper.'
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.
Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, 'I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.'
The caddy looks back at him and says, 'I don't think you could keep your head down that long.'
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked, 'Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?'
The man replies, 'Are you nuts?
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again, 'Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for half price at $100.00?'
Again, the man replies bluntly, 'You must be crazy pal, now go away!'
Then the salesman reaches into his briefcase and pulls out two brownies and begins munching away on one of them.
He tells the irate guy, 'Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much.'
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite;
suddenly, the guys spits it out and says, 'HEY!', he snarled, 'this brownie tastes like crap!'
'It is!', replies the salesman, 'wanna buy some mouthwash?'
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
the man began, 'I can explain.'
'Just be quiet,'
snapped the officer.
'I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.'
'But, officer, I just wanted to say,'
'And I said to keep quiet!
You're going to jail!'
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 'Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.'
'Don't count on it,'
answered the fellow in the cell.
'I'm the groom.'
Twenty Responses To Use With Telemarketers 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, 'How are you today?'
say, 'I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.
My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died .
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name.
Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male.
Telemarketer: 'Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company.'
You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, 'What are you wearing?'
5. Cry out in surprise, 'Judy?
Is that you?
Oh my God!
Judy, how have you been?'
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say 'No'
over and over.
Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.
This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, 'I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?'
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: 'Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood?
How about human blood?'
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone.
As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, 'Oh my God!'
and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, 'I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?'
The Telemarketer will agree and you say, 'Me either!'
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on 'home incarceration'
and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, 'Okay, I'll listen to you.
But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes.'
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
'Come on, Leon, cut it out!
Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?'
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
A Funny Story.
There are many wise and foolish men.
Like this guy named Billy.
Someone had an appointment with him yet when the person arrived, Billy was no where to be found.
Infuriated, the person picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on Billy's door 'STUPID OAF'
and went home.
Later Billy returned home and saw what was written on his door.
He immediately rushed to the persons house and said 'I'm sorry I forgot I had an appointment today.
I remembered the second I got home and saw your name on my door.'