A Funny Story.
There are many wise and foolish men.
Like this guy named Billy.
Someone had an appointment with him yet when the person arrived, Billy was no where to be found.
Infuriated, the person picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on Billy's door 'STUPID OAF'
and went home.
Later Billy returned home and saw what was written on his door.
He immediately rushed to the persons house and said 'I'm sorry I forgot I had an appointment today.
I remembered the second I got home and saw your name on my door.'
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly, Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.
To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.
At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.
He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, 'May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'
The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies, 'No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!'
Two drunk guys are walking home from the pub, when they see a large hole in the ground.
Wanting to find out how deep it was, one man picked up a small pebble, and threw it down the hole.
They waited 5 minutes, but they did not hear the pebble hit the bottom.
Still determined, they found a large boulder, and rolled it down the hole.
They waited another couple of minutes, but they still couldn't hear it hit the bottom.
So they grabbed an old railway sleeper, and hauled it down the hole, still no sound.
They shrugged and were about to give up when a sheep appeared out of no-where, and jumped down the hole.
Shocked they just stood there.
Suddenly a farmer appeared spotting them he asked, 'Have u seen a sheep come pass?'
'Yeah' they replied, 'it just jumped down that hole'
The farmer scratched his head, 'That's funny, he was tied to an old railway sleeper.'
Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form.
I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident.
You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower.
When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware.
Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel.
Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down.
This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope.
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: 'Can I help you?'
'Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines!'
What is six inches long with a head on it, that women like to blow?
An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks the beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump.
Think of your dear mother and father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead.
I'm gonna to jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married, and I don't have any kids.'
She said, 'Well then, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, 'Who's Robert E. Lee?'
She replied, 'Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.'
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes directions: read these outloud (English Phrase) I think you need a facelift (Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat (English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?
(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Gai Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni It's very dark in here Wai So Dim This is a tow away zone No Pah King You are not very bright Yu So Dum I got this for free Ai No Pei I am not guilty!
Wai Hang Mi?
Please stay a while longer Wai Go Nao?
They have arrived Hai Dei Kum.
Stay out of sight Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Sing Ka.
Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki I thought you were on a diet?
Wai Yu Mun Ching?