Good Jokes
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Good Jokes

This page contains 10 Good Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Good Jokes first.

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!

Ways To Annoy
The Most Complete List Of Ways To Annoy People, Cops, Your Roommate, And More.
Annoy People
1. Pay tolls with $100 bills
2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot
3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it
4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April
6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
7. Knock and ask 'How is it going?' to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.
8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom
10. Chew other people's pencils
11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
12. Wear large hats during the movies
13. Touch strangers
14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus
15. Bite your dentist's finger
16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads
19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems
20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa
21. Tell people they have bad breath
22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
23. Flirt with a friend's spouse
24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team
25. Shake with your left hand
26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.
27. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you 'like it that way.'
28. Drum on every available surface.
29. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
30. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.'
31. Honk and wave to strangers.
32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
41. Reply to everything someone says with 'that's what YOU think.'
Annoy Cops
42. Say out loud when he/she approaches you 'You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?'
43. Ask to see his gun.
44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
45. Say out loud 'Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!'
46. Slap his hand and say 'Bad cop! No donut!'
47. When he frisks you, say 'You missed a spot', and grin.
48. After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you.
49. Refer to him by his first name.
50. When he comes up to the car, say 'License and registration, please' right when he says it.
Annoy Your roomate
51. Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
52. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
53. Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner.
54. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
55. Steal a fishtank.
Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
56. Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor.
57. Clip your toenails while watching a movie or eating dinner.
58. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
59. Speak in tongues.
60. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
61. Walk and talk backwards.
62. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
63. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, 'They're more than meets the eye.'
64. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g.'The Road Warrior,' 'Repo Man,' Casablanca,') almost inaudibly.
65. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
66. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
67. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
68. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
69. Ask your roommate if your family can move in 'just for a couple of weeks.'
70. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
71. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
72. Eat glass.
73. Smoke ballpoint pens.
74. Smile. All the time.
75. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
76. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
77. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
78. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
79. Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns.
80. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
81. Dye all your underwear lime green.
82. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
83. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
84. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
85. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
86. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
87. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower.
Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
88. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
89. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
90. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with 'Didja ever wonder why....' Be creative.
91. Shave one eyebrow.
92. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter 'Gotta save space,' twenty times while twitching violently.
93. Put horseradish in your shoes.
94. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
95. Always flush the toilet three times.
96. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week.
Vomit often.
97. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's 'Pennsylvania Polka,' and play it at least 6 hours a day.
If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
98. Give him/her an allowance.
99. Listen to radio static.
100. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
101. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.
Annoy your examiner during a Driver's Test
102. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
103. Beep your horn at everything.
104. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light
105. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, 'now which one is the gas again?'
106. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
107. Fill your car with beer bottles.
108. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
109. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
110. Swear at everybody on the road.
111. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver.
He went along to the track and asked if he could drive.
The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.'
The Snail was okay with this is so he entered the race.
The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!
As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled 'WOW!
LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!'

The Game Of Choice: The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for front line workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEO's and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are!

George and the Dragon An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: 'George and the Dragon.'
He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
'Could ye spare some victuals?' He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes.
'No!' she shouted.
'Could I have a pint of ale?'
'No!' she shouted.
'Could I at least sleep in your stable?'
'No!' she shouted again.
The vagabond said, 'Might I please...?'
'What now?' the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
'D'ye suppose,' he asked, 'that I might have a word with George?'

Ways to irritate a Telemarketer When they ask 'How are you today?'
Tell them!
'I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems;
my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...'
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name.
Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Cry out in surprise, 'Judy!
Is that you?
Oh my God!
Judy, how have you been?'
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, 'I don't have any friends...
would you be my friend?'
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back.
When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say 'I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?'
The telemarketer will agree and you say, 'Now you know how I feel!'
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
'Come on Leon, cut it out!
Seriously, Leon, how's ya been?'
Tell them to talk V-E-R-Y V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y, because you want to write down EVERY WORD.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, 'Look mate, don't ever do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me!'
The passenger apologized and said, 'I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.'
The driver replied, 'Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver.
I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years!'

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, '...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said, 'I think he said 'Holy Shit!
A talking pig!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Word Scramble
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY:: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST:: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN:: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE:: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:: ALAS!
NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:: I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the Grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Loyal Fan
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line.
Thinking to himself 'what a waste' he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, 'Is this seat taken?'
The man replied, 'This was my wife's seat.
She passed away.
She was a big Packers fan.'
The other man replied, 'I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.
May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?'
The man replied, 'They're all at the funeral.'




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