Lawyers Jokes
This page contains 10 Lawyers Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Lawyers Jokes first.What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
Your honor!
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store.
He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
'How much does it cost for engineer brain?'
'Three dollars an ounce.'
'How much does it cost for programmer brain?'
'Four dollars an ounce.'
'How much for lawyer brain?'
'$1,000 an ounce.'
'Why is lawyer brain so much more?'
'Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?'
Hammer time A judge working a double homicide case tells the defendant,'
You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'
'You bastard.'
yells a voice form the back of the courtroom.
'Your also charged with beating your mother in law with a hammer.'
says the judge.
'Bastard.'
the same person yells.
The judge addresses the man sitting at the back of the courtroom, 'Sire, one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt.'
'I'm sorry your honor,'
Says the man, '
But I've been this bastards neighbor for ten years and every time I ask to borrow a hammer he said he didn't have one.'
Rules for hunting lawyers Washington state attorney season and bag limits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1300.01 GENERAL 1.
Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.
The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.
If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5.
It shall be unlawful to shout 'whiplash', 'ambulance', or 'free Perrier'
for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS 1.
Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2.
Two-faced Tort Feasor 3 3.
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5 4.
Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 5.
Honest Attorney EXTINCT 6.
Cut-throat 2 7.
Back-stabbing Whiner 2 8.
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 9.
Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant!
lawyer 'I have good news and bad news,'
the defense lawyer says to his client.
'What's the bad news?'
The lawyer says, 'Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.'
'Dammit!'
cries the client.
'What's the good news?'
'Well,'
the lawyer says, 'Your cholesterol is down to 140.'
Washington state attorney season and bag limits 1300.01 GENERAL 1.
Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2.
Taking of attorneys with traps or dead-falls is permitted.
The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.
If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5.
It shall be unlawful to shout 'whiplash', 'ambulance', or 'free Perrier'
for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS 1.
Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2.
Two-faced Tort Feasor 3 3.
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5 4.
Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 5.
Honest Attorney EXTINCT 6.
Cut-throat 2 7.
Back-stabbing Whiner 2 8.
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 9.
Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities!
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out: 'Oh, look! A nut!'
The second squirrel jumped on it and said: 'It's my nut!'
The first squirrel said: 'That's not fair! I saw it first!'
'Well, you may have seen it, but I have it!' argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said: 'You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.'
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said: 'Now, give me the nut.'
He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying: 'See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved!'
Then he reached over and said: 'And for my fee, I'll take the meat!'
Circular Logic Two men are in court on drug charges.
The judge says, 'If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I'll let you two off.'
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
'I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,'
the first man says.
'That's great,'
the judge replies.
'What did you tell them?'
'I drew two circles;
one big, one small.
I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.'
The other defendant says, 'I got 100 people to give up drugs!'
'One hundred!
How?'
asks the judge.
'Well, I drew the same two circles.
I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...''
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