Lawyers Jokes
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Lawyers Jokes

This page contains 10 Lawyers Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Lawyers Jokes first.

Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?
Because New Jersey got first pick!

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer?s field on the other side of a fence.
As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, ?I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I?m going to retrieve it.?
The old farmer replied, ?This is my property, and you are not coming over here.?
The indignant lawyer said, ?I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don?t let me get that duck, I?ll sue you and take everything you own.?
The old farmer smiled and said, ?Apparently, you don?t know how we do things in Texas.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.?
The lawyer asked, ?What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?
The farmer replied, ?Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.?
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer?s groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man?s nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer?s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, ?Okay, you old coot!
Now, it?s my turn!?
The old farmer smiled and said, ?No, I give up.
You can have the duck!?

Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter.
St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven.
He looks at the doctor and asks, 'There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?'
The doctor answers, 'The Titanic'
and he is sent through.
He then looks at the accountant and say, 'How many people died in that ship?'
Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, '1 500!'.
St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, 'Name them!'.

A young attorney who had taken over his father?s practice rushed home elated one night.
'Dad, listen,'
he shouted, 'I've finally settled that old McKinney suit.'
'Settled it!'
cried his astonished father, 'why, you idiot!
We have been living off of that money for five years!'

The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident.
While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses.
After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
'Did you actually see the accident?'
he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, 'Yes, sir.'
'How far away were you when the accident happened?'
'I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision.'
'Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?'
the lawyer asked, sarcastically, 'Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?'
The witness was unphased.
'Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer.
So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance

What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities!

Lawyers and Toxic Waste Why is it that California leads the nation in number of lawyers and New Jersey leads the nation in number of toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
Senator!

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing 'duck-duck-goose.'
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to 'pull my finger.'
* A prison guard is shaving your head.




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