YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing 'duck-duck-goose.'
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to 'pull my finger.'
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
What do you call parachuting lawyers?
Skeet.
Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?
Because New Jersey got first pick!
The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident.
While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses.
After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
'Did you actually see the accident?'
he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, 'Yes, sir.'
'How far away were you when the accident happened?'
'I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision.'
'Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?'
the lawyer asked, sarcastically, 'Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?'
The witness was unphased.
'Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer.
So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance
What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter?
Sue!
At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans!
You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says 'I love you,'
you cross-examine her.
Terrorists hijack a plane full of lawyers.
They ask for a ransom 20 million dollars, and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for...
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, 'You can't take it with you.'
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
'Oh, that darned old fool,' she exclaimed.
'I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.'
How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
His lips start moving.