Lawyers Jokes
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Lawyers Jokes

This page contains 10 Lawyers Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Lawyers Jokes first.

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident.
While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses.
After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
'Did you actually see the accident?'
he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, 'Yes, sir.'
'How far away were you when the accident happened?'
'I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision.'
'Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?'
the lawyer asked, sarcastically, 'Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?'
The witness was unphased.
'Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer.
So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance


What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A perfect setup for skeet shooting!


One day two men are talking with each other, one turns to the other and says 'all lawyers are assholes'
the other man says 'I take offense to that'
the other man asks 'why are you a lawyer?'
the other man says 'No im and asshole'


The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.


A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: 'Have you ever been arrested?'
He answered 'no' to the question.
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was 'why?'
Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it, 'Never got caught.'


An old man was critically ill.
Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
'I want to become a lawyer.
How much is it or the express degree you told me about?'
'It's $50,000,'
the lawyer said.
'But why?
You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?'
'That's my business!
Get me the course!'
Four days later, the old man got his law degree.
His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end.
Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, 'please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?'
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, 'One less lawyer .
.
.'


Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer who studied all year for the bra exam?


A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, 'What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?'
'I give it to them,'
replied the lawyer, 'and then I send them a bill.'
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.


What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
Pollution.
What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
Solution!


What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand!





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