Lawyers Jokes
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Lawyers Jokes

This page contains 10 Lawyers Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Lawyers Jokes first.

What do you call 100,000 lawyers drowning in the Pacific ocean?
A good start!



What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A.
Odor in the court.


NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
'A million dollars,'
he answered, 'because I want to donate it to M.I.Q.T.'
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for $2 million.
'I want to give a million to my family,'
he explained, 'and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.'
The last applicant was a lawyer.
When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, 'Three million dollars.'
'Why so much more than the others?' asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, 'If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million and we'll send the engineer to Mars!'


How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
* His lips are moving.


What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.


How many lawyer jokes are there?
Three... the rest are all true!


A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.
He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.
He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died.
At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later.
Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin.
He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America.
He asked for their forgiveness.
The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity.
The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it.
He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage.
He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends.
'I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend.
I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.
Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.'


This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued....and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire,'
and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the 'fires.'
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA


Lawyer: 'Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.'
Judge: 'And what is the nature of the new evidence?'
Lawyer: 'Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.'


Do you know how copper wire was invented?
Two lawyers fighting over a penny.





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