Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
My teen sent my call directly to voicemail on the phone she used to have.
They say people couldn't have everything because they don't have enough space to put it, I say 'everything' includes a bag with infinite space so I can put everything in easily.
I've agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.
You: "Is there 22 letters in the alphabet..." Them: "No there is 26..." You: "Sorry I forgot U R Q T"
You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what I'm up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.