Did you hear about the guy who choked on a pretzel? He was very salty.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? "Beat it - we're closed."
Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.
He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar.
"Your finest Scotch, please." "Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste!
Why didn't the elephant buy a suitcase for his summer vacation? Because he already had a trunk!
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.