How do you make a pool table laugh? You reach into its pockets and tickle its balls.
Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.
A wise dog once told me: "Life is like a box of chocolates... it kills you."
I don't want your candy, what I really want is your number.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.
I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.
I'm not racist, my shadow is black.