Every time you go to take a picture, when you smile you burn a hole straight through the camera.
Math problems were invented by men, just so women would be wrong some of the time.
If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.
Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.
Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job.