Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way.
If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.
I wonder if my first cat appreciates being at least slightly immortalized in my passwords.
Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.
I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.
George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" ... well, swine flu.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.