Relationship Jokes
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Relationship Jokes

This page contains 10 Relationship Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Relationship Jokes first.

This could be considered THE ideal world for many men: His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.
His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.


The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, 'I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.'


What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Use more lube.


There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
'You'll fart your guts out one of these days,'
she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
'You was right all along Missus,'
the old man says, 'I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!'


There are three men in line to get in to heaven.
Each man is asked how he died by Saint Peter.
The first man says, 'Well you see Saint Peter, I was having suspicions that my wife was cheating on me.
So I came home early to try to see if it was true.
I searched everywhere he could hide.
I was starting to think I was wrong when I saw a man hanging off the edge of my balcony, furious I started to pound on his hands when he wouldn't let go, I ran inside and grabbed a hammer and started to hammer his fingers.
I looked down to see if he survived and he did so I pulled the refrigerator out of the wall and tossed it over the edge giving my self a heart attack.'
Then the man was let into heaven.
Then Saint Peter asks the second man how he died.
So the second man says, 'You see Saint Peter, I was doing my usual work out on my balcony when I fell over the railing, but I had the luck of catching the railing of the balcony below mine then a man came and I thought that I was rescued when he starts to pound my fingers I realized he was trying to make me fall and die.
When I wouldn't let go he got a hammer and started hammering my fingers so I let go and fell in to some bushes and got up to run away when he dropped a refrigerator on me!'
Then second man was let in to heaven.
Saint Peter once again asks how the man died and the third man says to Saint Peter, 'So get this, I was hiding in a refrigerator when...'


A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
'Who are you?'
he asked.
'I'm the Devil,'
she responded.
Taking off his hat he said 'Pleased to finally meet you sir,'
'I married your sister.'


A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, 'Hey, you don't need surgery to do that.
I know how to do it without surgery.'
The lady asks, 'How do I do it without surgery?'
'Just rub toilet paper between them.'
Startled the lady asks, 'How does that make them bigger?'
'I don't know, but it worked for your ass!'


Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine;
he gets better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.


Two men named Cecil and Scott live together.
One very hot day, Cecil walked into the kitchen and found Scott with his butt up to the refrigerator.
Cecil said, 'Scott, what the heck is your butt doing in the refrigerator?'
Scott said: 'Because I wanted you to have something cool to slip into.'


A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the t.v and said to his wife, 'Quick, bring me a beer before it starts'.
She looked a bit puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it he said, 'Quick bring me another beer.
Its gonna start.'
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said, 'Quick another beer before it starts.'
'Thats it!'
She blows her top.
'You bastard!
You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Dont you realise that i cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?'
The husband gives a big heavy sigh.
'Its started!''





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