Religious Jokes
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Religious Jokes

This page contains 10 Religious Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Religious Jokes first.

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, 'Father, remember psalm 129?'
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember psalm 129?'
Once again the priest apologized.
'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.'
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!


A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced;
He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
'I want to be gorgeous,'
and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous too.'
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: 'Make 'em all ugly again.'


A guy enters confessional and says to the priest with guilt, 'I had an affair...almost.'
The priest says, 'What do you mean 'almost?''
The guy says, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped.'
'In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in,'
says the priest.
'For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $20 in the poor box.'
The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment then starts to leave.
The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says, 'You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The guy stops and says, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the box, and in the eyes of the Lord, that's the same as putting it in.'


God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well.
He comes to see Adam and says to him, 'Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion.
She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg.'
Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, 'What could I get for a rib?'


Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Einstein asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Einstein asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'


Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them 'You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3'
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said 'OK men, coffee break's over.
Back on your heads.'


Who is God?
A little kid asks his father, 'Daddy, is God a man or a woman?'
'Both son. God is both.'
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, 'Daddy, is God black or white?'
'Both son, both.'
'Daddy, does God love children?'
'Yes son, he loves all children.'
The child returns a few minutes later and says, 'Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?'


A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable.
So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.
'Oh, my child,' he said, 'your dress is most lovely.'
'Thank you, Father,' she replied.
The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.
'Oh, my child,' said the priest, 'your conversation is most lovely.'
'Thank you, Father,' said the prostitute.
Finally, the priest sat her down and said, 'Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you.'
And the prostitute said, 'Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing.'


Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one.
The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard.
Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard.
It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball.
It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree.
From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond.
On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away.
As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, 'I hate playing with your Dad.'


Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
A: Because God couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.





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