A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
'Tim, you're first,'
'What does your mother do all day?'
Tim stood up and proudly said, 'She's a doctor.'
How about you, Amie?'
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, 'My father is a mailman.'
'Thank you, Amie,'
said the teacher.
'What about your father, Billy?'
Billy proudly stood up and announced, 'My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.'
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, 'I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?'
Students in biology were taking their final exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,'
worth 70 points or none at all.
One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
It is the perfect formula for the child.
It provides immunity against several diseases.
It is always at the right temperature.
It is inexpensive.
It bonds the child to the mother, & vice versa.
It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote;
It comes in really awesome containers.
He got an A
One year in a strict school, all the teenagers started wearing lip-stick in school.
The school principal, thought this wasn't a problem, until they started leaving lip marks on the bathroom mirrors and walls.
After a couple of months, the principal thought it had gone too far.
So the she called a meeting in the girls bathroom with all the teenagers, and asked them to explain this awful behavior, the girls said nothing, so the principal asked the janitor to show the girls how hard it was to clean the lip prints off, so the janitor got out a sponge, dipped it into a toilet and started to rub off the lip marks.
Since then, there have been no more lip-stick-marks!
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE……God is watching.'
Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note: 'Take all you want……God is watching the apples.'
In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements.
So she stood in the front of the class and said, 'Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?'
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, 'I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.'
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, 'I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette'
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, 'I would want silicon.'
The teacher said, 'Why Johnny?'
He responded by saying, 'Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!'
A little girl was failing math.
Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades.
During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies.
The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math.
She asked her daughter, 'Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?'
The girl replied, 'No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!'
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
he said, 'A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
Three third graders were walking down the street: a redhead, brunette, and a blonde.
Which one had the best figure?
The blonde, she was 18!
The Differences In Graduates: A graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much it cost?'
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, 'In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.'
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,'!
he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, 'The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention.'