Here is a teacher that is waiting for her students to arrive to school none of them arrive yet she still waiting for all twenty students ten minutes later 5 students arive the teacher says where were you?
They say on top of the blue berry mountain.
Another ten minutes later another five students came in the teacher says where were you?
The students say on top of the blueberry mountain another ten minutes later another five students came in and the teacher says where were you and they say on top of the blueberry mountain then finally the last ten minutes later and the last five students come in and the teacher says where were you and the students say on top of the blueberry mountain then this naked woman comes in the class,and the teacher says I AM THE BLUEBERRY MOUNTAIN!
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE……God is watching.'
Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note: 'Take all you want……God is watching the apples.'
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises their hand.
The teacher says, 'See it's long neck?
What animal has a long neck?'
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
'Very good Sally', the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up their hands.
'See the stripes on this animal?
What animal has stripes?'
Billy holds up his hand and says, 'It is a zebra!'
'Very good Billy', the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students holds up their hand.
'See the big antlers on this animal.
What animal has horns like this?'
Still no one guesses.
'Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father.'
Johnny shouts out, 'I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!'
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
'Tim, you're first,'
'What does your mother do all day?'
Tim stood up and proudly said, 'She's a doctor.'
How about you, Amie?'
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, 'My father is a mailman.'
'Thank you, Amie,'
said the teacher.
'What about your father, Billy?'
Billy proudly stood up and announced, 'My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.'
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, 'I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?'
Essays Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
Here are last year's winners.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E.
coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl.
The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m.
instead of 7:30 12.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.
traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m.
at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met.
They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck.
Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love.
When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
'Just to establish some parameters,' said the professor to the student from Arkansas, 'What is the opposite of joy?'
'Sadness,' said the student.
And the opposite of depression?'
he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
'Elation,' said she.
'And you sir,'
he said to the young man from Texas, 'how about the opposite of woe?'
The Texan replied, 'Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.'
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
he said, 'A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
A little girl was failing math.
Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades.
During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies.
The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math.
She asked her daughter, 'Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?'
The girl replied, 'No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!'
MIT Letter Here is a great letter from MIT to a prospective student and that student's response.
Mongan 123 Main Street Smalltown, California 94123-4567 Dear John: You've got the grades.
You've certainly got the PSAT scores.
And now you've got a letter from MIT.
Maybe you're surprised.
Most students would be.
But you're not most students.
And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT.
It certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you?
It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.
Of course, you don't want to be bored.
Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*.
MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics?
MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive?
Don't be too sure.
We've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution?
Why not do it right now?
Sincerely, Michael C.
Benhke Director of Admissions P.S.
If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, 'Insight,'
just check the appropriate box on the form.
May 5, 1994 Michael C.
Behnke MIT Director of Admissions Office of Admissions, Room 3-108 Cambridge MA 02139-4307 Dear Michael: You've got the reputation.
You've certainly got the pomposity.
And now you've got a letter from John Mongan.
Maybe you're surprised.
Most universities would be.
But you're not most universities.
And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education.
It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students?
It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.
Of course you don't want egotistical jerks.
I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing.
John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes?
John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school?
Don't be too sure.
I've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan?
Why not do it right now?
Sincerely, John Mongan P.S.
If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, 'John Mongan: What a Guy!'
One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused, 'Teacher, can I answer the call of nature?'
Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay.
Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet.
But, within a minute, she was back.
Another girl was shocked by how she could actually take care of business so quickly, and asked how she managed to do it so fact.
The girl responded, 'It was a prank call.'