Funny Messenger Texts

I am on the seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Reality: An illusion due to lack of alcohol.

Next time wave all your fingers at me!

:) My darling my love, my beautiful wife. Marrying you screwed up my life :S

Iíve lost my phone number, can I have yours?

When Iím good, Iím really good, but when Iím bad Iím better

What do an Icebear have after swimming? Snowballs!

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More Funny Messenger Texts:

In jail u get food, in jail u get tea, in jail u get anything butt... the KEY!

Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls

My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids

An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead

I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member

I would tell ya to go to hell but all dogs go to heaven

One-Liner Top 5:

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.