Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
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Q: Who were Jenna and Barbara Bush with when they got caught by the police?
A: Their uncle Anheuser
Funny Celebrity Baby Names Erykah Badu and Andre Benjamin- Seven Sirius (BOY)
David and Angela Bowie- Duncan Zowie Heywood Jones (BOY)
Nicholas Cage and Alice Kim- Kal-el(BOY)
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes- Suri(GIRL)
Courtney Cox and David Arquette- Coco Riley(GIRL)
Bob Geldof and Paula Yates- Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and Little Pixie(ALL 3 GIRLS)
Penn and Emily Jilette- Moxie Crimefighter(GIRL)
Frank and Gail Zappa- Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan(BOYS) Moon Unit, Diva Muffin (GIRLS)
Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe- Paris(GIRL), Prince Jackson, and Prince II [AKA Blanket] (BOYS)
Question: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Answer: Depends on how thin you slice them.
One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away."
The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."
What do you call a buncha women hanging around prostitutes?
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "Iím going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britneyís stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, Iím going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and canít stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think Iíll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position ó two men and one woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said. "You canít be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then youíre not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I canít kill my wife."
The agent replies "You donít have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the womanís turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didnít tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Yo mama is so dark that she spits chocolate milk!
Yo mama is so dark that she went to night school and was marked absent!
Yo mama is so dark that she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers.
Yo mama is so dark that when she goes swimming it looks like an oil spill.
Yo mama is so dark that her ass looks like two tires.
Yo mama is so dark that she drinks water and pees coffee.
Yo mama is so dark that when she puts on yellow lipstick, she looks like a cheese burger.
Yo mama is so dark that she could show up naked to a funeral.
Yo mama is so dark that she bleeds molasses.
Yo mama is so dark that she looks like a picture of outer-space with no stars... except when she smiles.
Yo mama is so dark that she got her tattoo done in chalk.
Yo mama is so dark that when she puts lotion on her legs it looks like she has on patent leather pants.
Yo mama is so dark that when the police shot at her, the bullets came back for flashlights.
Yo mama is so dark that she was riding a motorcycle and got a ticket for tinted windows.
Yo mama is so dark that when she smiles at night she looks like a pack of floating Chicklets.
Yo mama is so dark that when her eyes are red she looks like a beeper.
Yo mama is so dark that her nickname is midnight.
Yo mama is so dark that she makes asphalt look grey.
Yo mama is so dark that that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her!
During late spring one year, Paris Hilton was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
How to be politically correct with women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word.
Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.
A professor invented a lie detecting chair.
Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor.
During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself.
She began, "I think you are the best teacher Iíve ever had."
The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.
After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair.
The professor asked her to tell something of her life.
She began, "I think -" The next thing she knew, she was sitting in the floor.
One day a Blonde was going down the road in her car when she sees a car accident. She comes to a stop 2 miles down the road because she hit the gas instead of the breaks. The Blonde then proceeds to pull out 2 naked cardboard men that she put long coats on. She then sets them up along side the road. After an hour passes and traffic backs up 12 miles, a cop comes by. The cop pulls over onto the side of the road. He steps out and asks the woman what those cardboard things are for. She says, "Oh nothing sir, these are just my emergency flashers."
A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.
He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts
"You! Your mother gives me a blow job!"
The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."
"Just one more!" yells the old man.
So the bartender gets him one more tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts
"You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men.
All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.
Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink."