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Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines!"
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Boss (to the new employee): "We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" New employee: "Yes, sir." Boss: "We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat."
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In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. 'The copier is out of order! Yes, we have called the service man. Yes, he will be in today. No, we cannot fix it. No, we do not know how long it will take. No, we do not know what caused it. No, we do not know who broke it. Yes, we are keeping it. No, we do not know what you are going to do now. Thank You!'
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What do a hockey player and a magician have in common? Hat tricks.
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A Funny Story. There are many wise and foolish men. Like this guy named Billy. Someone had an appointment with him yet when the person arrived, Billy was no where to be found. Infuriated, the person picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on Billy's door "STUPID OAF" and went home. Later Billy returned home and saw what was written on his door. He immediately rushed to the persons house and said "I'm sorry I forgot I had an appointment today. I remembered the second I got home and saw your name on my door."
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?" deze is heel leuk!deze is niet leuk.

A recent poll came out that shows the approval rating for President Donald Trump has fallen to a historical all-time low of 33%. In response, Trump said, "You hear that? Historic! I'm in the history books! I did it!" deze is heel leuk!deze is niet leuk.

Some videos of racially insensitive Halloween costumes went viral today. Then people realized they were just watching footage of a Washington Redskins game. deze is heel leuk!deze is niet leuk.

In Wisconsin, a child's trick-or-treat bag was found to contain meth. On the plus side, the kid did manage to hit 19 houses in under two minutes. deze is heel leuk!deze is niet leuk.

Itís come out that this year, indicted Trump advisor Paul Manafort traveled to Mexico using a fake name. Then again, if you worked for Trump and you were in Mexico, would YOU use your real name? deze is heel leuk!deze is niet leuk.

Virgin CEO Richard Branson is launching a cruise line that is "adults only." After hearing about it, Kevin Spacey said, "Not interested." deze is heel leuk!deze is niet leuk.

Meanwhile, Republican leaders unveiled the new tax plan. It is over 400 pages long. And experts are still analyzing it. Apparently the plan would cut the number of tax brackets for individuals down to three. It would be 35%, 25%, and 12%. Which coincidentally also matches the trajectory of Trumpís approval ratings. Weird coincidence. deze is heel leuk!deze is niet leuk.

Amazon has unveiled a new way to view its products in 3-D. Amazon is calling its new invention "a store." deze is heel leuk!deze is niet leuk.

A gambler won $14 million on last night's World Series game. Here's what's suspicious - turns out it was some guy named Yu Darvish. deze is heel leuk!deze is niet leuk.

President Trump tweeted congratulations to the Houston Astros for winning the World Series. Trump said heís so happy for the Astros, heís only going to deport some of the players. deze is heel leuk!deze is niet leuk.


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One-Liner Top 5:

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

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