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Yo mama is so stupid she thought spitball was a sport.
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What does NASCAR stand for?
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks
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In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of
the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
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You might be a redneck if you think fly swatting is a national sport.
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You might be a redneck if you think all-star wrestling should be an Olympic sport!
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A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane as the locket sees a young man staring at her at length during a party. After the party the woman asks: "Wear you admiring my airplane?" Man:"No, I was admiring the landing field."
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Three guys went up to heaven, as they came to the gate St peter was there and said to them, " If you have done any sins you well go straght to hell or be punished some other way. So all the guys said ok.
Then St Peter said " But since heaven is so big you have to have some kind of transportation on wheels." Then St Peter asked the first guy have you ever cheated on your wife"? And the guy said yes but only 2. So he got a small compact car. St Peter asked the second guy "have you ever cheated on your wife"? And he said yes but only once". So he got a small car but still bigger then the first guys car. Then St peter asked the last guy have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said no never. So he got a huge giant classic car, and he drove off happy.
The next day the first and second guy noticed that the guy with the big car was really upset, and they asked "Whats wrong?" and he said "I was driving around in my car, and I saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!"
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What does Nascar stand really stand for
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks
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A couple had been debating over buying a new car for weeks now. He wanted a new truck, she wanted a fast little sports car so that she could zip through traffic around town. He would’ve probable have settled for a beat up old truck. But all she seemed to like were way out of their price range.
"Look, I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less" she said
"well, its my birthday coming up, so you can surprise me" she said
so for her birthday, he got her a brand new bathroom scale.
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You might be a redneck if you think WWE should be an Olympic sport!
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Once upon a time, there was this really smart little kid. He was so smart that his parents decided to let him start kindergarten a year early. When his parents talked to the teacher, the teacher told them how amazed she was at his ability in the classroom and interacting with the other kids. His parents were so proud of him that they offered to get him anything he wanted.
They said "Son, we are so proud of you! Is there anything that you would like?"
He replied, "Well there is this one thing, a pink-and-purple-polka-dotted-ping-pong-ball."
"What would you like that for?" his parents asked.
Then he said, "I can’t tell you, it’s a secret."
His parents then said that if he couldn’t tell them what it was for he couldn’t have it.
All he said was "OK" and went along to play with his friends.
After 8 more years, the kid continued to do tremendous in school, had lots of friends, and always obeyed his parents. When he graduated 8th grade he had a 4.0 GPA, an older girlfriend, and had turned out to be a tremendous athlete. His parents were so proud of him that they offered to get him anything he wanted.
They said "Son, we are so proud of you! Is there anything that you would like?"
He replied, "Well there is this one thing, a pink-and-purple-polka-dotted-ping-pong-ball."
"What would you like that for?" his parents asked.
Then he said, "I can’t tell you, it’s a secret."
His parents then said that if he couldn’t tell them what it was for he couldn’t have it.
All he said was "OK", and he went to meet up with his girlfriend.
After 4 more years the kid was valedictorian in school, still had the same girlfriend, had played varsity in 3 sports, was involved in many miscellaneous clubs, and was accepted to Harvard, Princeton, and any other prestigious colleges. His parents were so proud of him that they offered to get him anything he wanted.
They said "Son, we are so proud of you! Is there anything that you would like?"
He replied, "Well there is this one thing, a pink-and-purple-polka-dotted-ping-pong-ball."
"What would you like that for?" his parents asked.
Then he said, "I can’t tell you, it’s a secret."
His parents then said that if he couldn’t tell them what it was for he couldn’t have it.
All he said was "OK" and he went along to join his girlfriend.
That summer he decided to go to University of Wisconsin, and was going to play hockey for them. His parents were so proud of him that they offered to get him anything he wanted.
They said "Son, we are so proud of you! Is there anything that you would like?"
He replied, "Well there is this one thing, a pink-and-purple-polka-dotted-ping-pong-ball."
"What would you like that for?" his parents asked.
Then he said, "I can’t tell you, it’s a secret."
His parents then said that if he couldn’t tell them what it was for he couldn’t have it.
All he said was "OK" and went along to meet up with his girlfriend.
After 7 years at the University of Wisconsin, he received a degree in medicine. He was tops in his class, and was married to his girlfriend. After 2 weeks he got a job in the University of Wisconsin laboratory. His parents were so proud of him that they offered to get him anything he wanted.
They said "Son, we are so proud of you! Is there anything that you would like?"
He replied, "Well there is this one thing, a pink-and-purple-polka-dotted-ping-pong-ball."
"What would you like that for?" his parents asked.
Then he said, "I can’t tell you, it’s a secret."
His parents then said that if he couldn’t tell them what it was for he couldn’t have it.
All he said was "OK" and went along on his honeymoon with his new wife.
For ten years, the kid, now a man, worked steadily at the lab, gradually getting promotions, not really into it, but then he got a breakthrough, throughout the next 2 years, this breakthrough, turned out to be the cure for cancer, acquired immunodeficiency syndrome, (AIDS), and Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis(ALS). His parents were so proud of him that they offered to get him anything he wanted.
They said "Son, we are so proud of you! Is there anything that you would like?"
He replied, "Well there is this one thing, a pink-and-purple-polka-dotted-ping-pong-ball."
"What would you like that for?" his parents asked.
Then he said, "I can’t tell you, it’s a secret."
His parents then said that if he couldn’t tell them what it was for he couldn’t have it.
All he said was "OK" and went along to celebrate his discovery.
After just five years, the man was shot outside his home by a HIV patient who didn’t get his medicine. He was hospitalized, but had a slim chance of survival. His parents and wife went to visit him, but his parents asked for some time alone with their son. So his wife left. His parents consoled him and told him how proud they were of him.
"Son, we are so proud of what you have accomplished in life, you had straight A’s all through school, you never did drugs, drank alcohol, or participated in promiscuous sex throughout your life, got and kept a very good job, were successful in that job and made a brilliant discovery. Is there anything you would like, now, in your darkest hour?
He replied, "Well there is this one thing, a pink-and-purple-polka-dotted-ping-pong-ball."
"What would you like that for?" his parents asked.
"Well," he said, "since I am about to die I guess I can tell you."
"I want the pink-and-purple-polka-dotted-ping-pong-ball because……" then he died.
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All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 2000
Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.
Transportation
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.
Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.
Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.
Entertainment
Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.
Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
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Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles
7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters
5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day
4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"
3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center
2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island
1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"
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How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)
He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)
He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.
He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.
He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.
He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.
He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.
He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.
He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.
He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.
He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.
He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.
He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.
He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.
He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.
He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.
He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.
He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.
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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.
This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occurred, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 9 of the 10 provinces the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only Newfoundland was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were...
Yo Mama so fat she fell down the grand canion and got stuck !
why were guys put on this earth?
Because vibrators can't buy you a drink
your mamma so dum she got loked in a super maket and starved 2 death
your mom's teeth are so yellow, that when she closed her mouth her stomach lit up
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish
Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama visited New Hampshire and thousands of people showed up to hear him speak. The New Hampshire crowds were excited, because apparently, this is the first time they've ever seen an African-American.
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims," may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: " no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!"
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the Den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag Him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I"ve come to activate your phone lines."
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your mum is so skinny she dodged the rain
you mamas so fat, the door bell rang and she went to the micowave
Name:Limia
Your mammaz soo fat when she jumped for joy she got stuck
Name:hillbilly
This page is the shit!
Name:Audrey
your mama is so stupid she traded her car for gas Money!
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