One-liners * 10 One-Liners

Here you will find more than 4000 One-Liners!

Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium then you curium and you barium.

If bullshit could float...you'd be the Admiral of the fleet!

99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

My other body is in the Photoshop.

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!

Sure, I'd love to help you out... now, which way did you come in?

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

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More One-Liners:


Fishermen are reel men.


See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.


What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture!


I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.


Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.


I don't want your candy, what I really want is your number.


Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.


My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.


Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.


I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.



One-Liner Top 5:

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.