One-liners * 10 One-Liners

Here you will find more than 4000 One-Liners!

I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: "I need to axe you a question."

What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"

He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly...

I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly.

What goes up and never comes down? Your age!

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

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More One-Liners:


Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?


Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.


You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.


I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.


Your so ugly when you were born your mom said "Oh what a treasure" and your dad said "Yeah le´ts bury it."


"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing... except when you're at a funeral.


Do you think they named April Fool's Day in your honor?


So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.


How does broccoli use a cellphone? He cauliflower.


Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day? He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.



One-Liner Top 5:

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.