One-liners * 10 One-Liners

Here you will find more than 4000 One-Liners!

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

It's a pleasure to see you and another - not to see.

I've been waiting to get a book on how to commit suicide from the library but the last guy hasn't brought it back.

Hot single grannies in your area want you to look at how tall you've gotten.

Some people just have a way with words, and other people ... oh ... not have way.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

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More One-Liners:


April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.


When I said "I was afraid of the dentist", I meant the bill.


How do you know that Santa is a man? No woman wears the same attire every year.


Twitter is just LinkedIn for the chronically unemployed.


Hey in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you?


I'm blonde. What's your excuse?


What would we get if we'd cross one nigger and octopus? I have no idea, but it picks cotton like crazy.


If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.


Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.


Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.



One-Liner Top 5:

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.