One-liners * 10 One-Liners

Here you will find more than 4000 One-Liners!

How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

If i was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you.

At least cunts are useful you're not.

I hate when people ask for likes... Like if you agree!

Doc says to the patient, "You have the body of a twenty-year-old, but you should return it. You're stretching it completely out of shape."

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

I don't ignore people, I just choose to not notice them.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side!

A 'Jim's Dozen' is 11, because I take one for myself.

What do you call 1000 Mexicans at the bottom of the sea? A good start. What do you call 1000 black people at the bottom of the sea? An even better start.

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More One-Liners:


What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"


Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"


When I said "I was afraid of the dentist", I meant the bill.


I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.


You haven't texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok?


If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.


*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!


A wife is like a boomerang - the harder you throw the faster she comes back.


Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?


Umbridge? More like Umbitch.



One-Liner Top 5:

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.