One-liners * 10 One-Liners

Here you will find more than 4000 One-Liners!

Yo mamma so fat, when she plays paintball her teammates hide behind her.

It must be something in the air that is causing a lot of women to get pregnant... Their legs.

I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.

Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"

Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.

Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.

Maths and Girls are the most complicated things, but Maths at least has some logic.

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More One-Liners:


When watching any game of woman's sport you must always spare minutes silence and think of all the men who will go without dinner tonight.


I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.


I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.


The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.


I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Hey in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you?


I'm never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!


Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..



One-Liner Top 5:

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.