One-liners * 10 One-Liners

Here you will find more than 4000 One-Liners!

Man, a tire's life must suck, we seem them rolling, then we hating.

If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.

I'll clean my house when the last kid has moved out.

I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.

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More One-Liners:


I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.


There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.


Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.


There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!


Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!


Watch The Walking Dead with someone who's super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, "Wait, who's this, now?"


I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


The fantasy part of fantasy football is that 10 wives would all let their husbands out on the same night for the draft.