One-liners * 10 One-Liners

Here you will find more than 4000 One-Liners!

I may not have a dick but you're a massive one!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I need some band-aids I'm getting cut from all this working out.

Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers.

There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.

On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?

Why do black people drive on the left side of the road? Because they don't have any rights.

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More One-Liners:


Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.


Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.


I feel bad for single guys out there. Snap chat filters make 2s look like 10s. Good luck.


Our WIFI was down yesterday and I spent 45 minutes trying to fix it. Our dishwasher has been broken for 3 weeks and I haven't even touched it.


Screw the nice list, I've got you on my "nice and naughty list!


Where does one apply to be a "kept man"?


I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.


There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.


My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.


I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.



One-Liner Top 5:

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.