A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small.
The man, 'I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp.
A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes.
First, I wished for all the money in the world.
Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world.'
'And then I wished for a little head.'
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar.
His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, 'Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?'
The guy says, 'Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.'
'Yeah?' asks the bartender, 'What did she do?'
Guy, 'She hit me with her bag of quarters!'
Black Eye Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father see's it and says, 'Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?'
Johnny, 'But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!'
'Johnny', the father said, 'you don't do those kind of things to women.'
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, 'Johnny, I thought we had a talk!'
'But Dad' Johnny said, 'It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!'
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to discuss?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger, 'how about nuclear power?'
'OK', said Little Johnny, 'that could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
'Jeez', said the stranger, 'I have no idea.'
'Well, then', said Little Johnny, 'how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
Little Johnny was visiting his grandparents.
He was out on the porch when his grandpa pulled out a cigar.
'Can I have one?' says little Johnny.
'Son, can your cock touch your ass?' replies Grandpa.
Confused, little Johnny replies, 'No.'
'Then you're not old enough' says grandpa.
Then grandpa pulls out some beer.
'May I have a drink?' Asks Johnny.
'Can your cock touch your ass?' Asks grandpa.
'No' says Johnny.
Johnny sadly goes into the house.
He returns later with milk and cookies.
Grandpa sees the cookies and asks for one.
Johnny turns to grandpa and asks: 'Grandpa, can your cock touch your ass?'
Grandpa with a smug look on his face replies: 'Why yes. Yes it can.'
Without missing a beat Johnny says: 'Then go screw yourself, Grandma said these are mine!'
How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, 'If my daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby lion.'
He kept on talking to himself like this.
After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and said, 'What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your mommy was a whore?'
Little Johnny replied, 'Then I would be a bus driver!'
Will you remember me tomorrow?
Will your remember me in a week?
I thought you said you'd remember me!
Hey have you ever seen a beach whale?
No, What is it?
Here was this man in a bar he ordered a shot.
He finished the shot and peeked into his pocket.
Then orders another shot and agian peeks into his pocket.
He asks for another drink.
The bar-tender finally says, 'Ill bring you drinks all night if you tell me why you keep looking into your pocket!'
The man said that he has a picture of his wife in his pocket and as soon as she starts to look good I can go home.