The Chicken and the Horse
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!'
So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.'
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the redneck farmer that owned it.
'Hey there,' he says.
'I bet I can make your horse talk.'
'Horses don't talk' says the farmer.
'We'll see,' says the ventriloquist.
He turns to the horse and asks, 'So how does your master treat you?'
'Pretty well,' says the horse.
'He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over.'
'I bet I can make the dog talk, too,' says the ventriloquist.
'Dog's don't talk' says the farmer.
'How about you?' the ventriloquist asks the dog.
'Is he good to you too?'
'Yup,' says the dog.
'We play fetch.'
'Let's see what the sheep has to say,' says the ventriloquist.
'Wait!' yells the farmer 'That sheep is a fuckin' liar!'
There was a terrible bus accident.
Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses.
The police try to investigate further but they get no results.
At last, they try to interrogate the monkey.
The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures.
Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, 'What were the people doing on the bus?'
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around;
meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, 'Yeah, but what else were they doing?'.
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, 'Oh!
They were drinking, huh?!'
The chief continues, 'Okay, were they doing anything else?'
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, 'If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?'
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, 'Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Chuck.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.'
Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.
So, he buys Chuck.
The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, 'Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
So, take your time and have some fun', the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot.
- Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake.
Once again, - WHAM!
- He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself.
I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.'
Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, 'Shhhh, they're getting closer...'
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, 'Do you have any grapes?'
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, 'Do you have any grapes?'
The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks 'Do you have any grapes?'
The clerk screams at the duck, 'You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes.
I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!
I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!'
The duck left, and returned the next day.
This time he asked, 'Do you have any nails?'
The clerk replied, 'No,'
and the duck said, 'Good!
Got any grapes?'
How does a frog cross the freeway with out no arms and legs.
now take the the f out of free and the f out of way
One day all the male dogs were playing poker and the stuck there winers in a pot and the cops came and they took a winer so ever since they have been trying to find theres
Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day.
On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived.
The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by.
They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants.
They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong.
Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all.
When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, 'Straight, straight, curly.'
SO...the elephant said 2 the camel 'Why do u have 2 boobs on ur back?'
the camel replies'thats a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on their face'
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center.
One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft.
They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.
Well, one day we got a service call that said, 'Cat caught in machine, come quick!'
When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions.
No sight of the cat.
It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in!
Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close.
They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.