The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them all a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try and catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI now goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon.
The raccoon is yelling, 'Okay, Okay!
I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!'
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven.
Greeting him the Lord says, 'You've lived a good life.
If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.'
The cat thinks for a minute and says 'Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor...'
The Lord stops the cat and says 'Say no more!'
Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.
A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven.
The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer: 'All of our lives we've been chased.
We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom.
We're tired of running...'
'Say no more!'
The Lord replies.
In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.
About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away.
He gently wakes the cat and asks, 'How are things since you got here?'
The cat stretches, yawns, and replies 'Oh, it is wonderful here.
I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!'
There was once a rabbit and a bear who didnt like each other.
One day, they found a gini lamp, The gini said he would give them each 3 wishes.
The bear went first, he said, 'I wish to be the only male bear in this forest, and all the rest are female.'
and he got his wish.
Then the Rabbit went, he said 'I want a motorcycle'
and he very well got his wish too.
Then the bear went again, he said 'I wish to be the only male bear in the US, and all the rest are female, and he got his wish, Then the Rabbit went, 'I wish for a helmet to go with my motorcycle.
Of course, he got his wish.
It was their last wish, the bear wished to be the only male bear in the whole world and all the rest are female.
The the rabbit took its final wish, he said, 'I wish that bear is gay'
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys: All on different levels, some climbing up.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes!
There were three roasters.
A normal one, a backwards one and a guy one.
The normal one says cockle doodle do.
the backwards one says doodle doodle cock.
and the gay one says any cock will do
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog!
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.
The rooster disappeared under the car.
A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell.
A farmer appeared.
The man, somewhat nervously said, 'I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.'
the farmer replied, 'you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.'
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
she chirped, 'I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.'
A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot.
The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, 'He has a card up his sleeve'
or 'He has a dove in his pocket.'
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat.
For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other.
Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, 'Okay, I give up.
What did you do with the ship?'