A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small.
The man, 'I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp.
A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes.
First, I wished for all the money in the world.
Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world.'
'And then I wished for a little head.'
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar.
His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, 'Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?'
The guy says, 'Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.'
'Yeah?' asks the bartender, 'What did she do?'
Guy, 'She hit me with her bag of quarters!'
Here was this man in a bar he ordered a shot.
He finished the shot and peeked into his pocket.
Then orders another shot and agian peeks into his pocket.
He asks for another drink.
The bar-tender finally says, 'Ill bring you drinks all night if you tell me why you keep looking into your pocket!'
The man said that he has a picture of his wife in his pocket and as soon as she starts to look good I can go home.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer.
When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, 'Come on you little git, spit it out!'
A man went for an audition at a local club.
'You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here.'
'No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?'
'Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'.
We've been cleaning up ever since.'
A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his arse.
The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says: 'Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern.
I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out.
The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said..
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, 'Olive or twist?'
These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight.
They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.
'Watch this!', says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, 'I heard that St. Patrick was a shift lifter.'
'Really?', says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.
With that the second English guy decides to join in, 'Yeah, and he was a pervert too.'
'Is that so?', the still calm Irishman responds.
'I know how to rile this tosser!', says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, 'Hey, did you know St. Patrick was really an Englishman?'
The Irish guy casually looks up and says, 'Yeah, so your mates were telling me!'
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in front of mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender before departure.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth with bag.
SYMPTOM: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there.
FAULT: Probable time and/or space warp.
ACTION: Ask bartender for another Beer.
Iowa Taxidermist This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: 'You ain't from around here, are ya...
where ya from, boy?'
The guy says, 'I'm from Iowa.'
The bartender asks, 'What th' hell you do in Iowa?'
The guy responds, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The bartender asks, 'A taxidermist...
now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?'
The guy says, 'I mount animals.'
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, 'It's OK boys, he's one of us!'