An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.
'You used to sit closer to me,' said the woman.
So the man moved closer.
'You used to put your arm around me.'
So the man put his arm around her.
'You used to nibble on my ear.'
'Let me get my teeth.'
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face.
The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
'Yes!' he says looking and sounding relieved, 'this is very important.'
'Glad to help,' she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper.
Then her boss says, 'Thanks, I only need one copy.'
In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then.
One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees.
Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.
'The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.
A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, 'Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!'
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced.
he said, 'I withdraw what I said.
Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!'
'Salary Theorem' states that 'Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.'
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money
It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
Did you hear the one about the cannibal, who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?
Over the past several months, my company has shorted my paychecks several times, anywhere from $75 to $300.
Each time this has happened, the payroll department made me wait two weeks before they corrected the error.
Last payday the situation reversed.
Everyone with direct deposit was paid twice.
I quickly withdrew every dollar from my bank account before the mistake could be corrected.
When payroll called about the mistake, I grinned from ear to ear.
I said, 'Yes, I noticed the mistake.
I will correct it in two weeks!'
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted.
Somebody recent vandalized the local nudist camp.
They put a hole in the wall, and the police are currently looking into it!
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear who's yelling, 'OK, OK!
I'm a rabbit!'