Computer Jokes
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Computer Jokes

This page contains 10 Computer Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Computer Jokes first.

A computer techy was helping a friend set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password.
Now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect.
So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in 'penis'...
The techy nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied: ** PASSWORD REJECTED.
NOT LONG ENOUGH ***


The Latest Report on Windows: New Error Codes Assigned
Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence 'OS2' Prohibited
Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....
Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything


Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
'If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,'
boasts Gates, 'you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.'
Bill Gates continued, 'Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.'
In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replied, 'Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?'


Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
'If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,'
boasts Gates, 'You would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.
Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.'
'Sure,'
says the GM chairman.
'But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?'


Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, the Golden Rule of email: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.


By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.
1.
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk.
Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap.
When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even.
This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive.
'Big'
diskettes may be folded and used in 'little'
disk drives.
4.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down.
The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine.
If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
6.
Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing.
Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a 'hung'
or 'hooked'
state.
If your system is 'hooking'
you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
7.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes.
This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage.
Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
8.
Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket.
This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
9.
Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand.
Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using.
(see item 2 above) 10.
Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents.
The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document.
Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.


If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.


With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus.
In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.
1.
Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.
2.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.
3.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.
4.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.
5.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.
Maybe Windows really is a virus.
Nope!
There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So there!
Windows is not a virus!


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a 'great'
writer.
When asked to define 'great'
he said 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!'
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.


This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.
This memo is from an unnamed computer company.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite serious.
The engineers rolled on the floor.
'Mouse Balls'
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.


 



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