When you ask a dad if he's alright: 'No, I'm half left.'
Cashier: 'Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?'
Dad: 'No, just leave it in the carton!'
My daughter screeched, 'Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?' What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, 'do you know how to drive this thing?'
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
DAD: No, it was with a knife...