Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
"I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.