"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!
"I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.