What do a walrus and tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal!
A guy named Ivan lives in Russia.
He is walking along the road one day and he finds a magic lamp.
Ivan rubs the magic lamp and a genie pops out.
the genie says 'ok Ivan you get one wish!'
Ivan says I wish for every time I piss it is vodka.
The genie says 'ok granted.'
Ivan runs home to to his wife and says 'hey Natasha get 2 glasses'.
He takes the 2 glasses and pisses in both.
he says 'here try it my piss is vodka.'
Natasha tries some and says 'holy smokes your piss is vodka'.
Next night Ivan comes home and says 'hey Natasha go get 1 glass.
Natasha says 'how come only 1 glass?'
Ivan says 'tonight I drink from the glass and you drink from the bottle.'
What do u call a black priest?
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: 'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!'
Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Fred fell in the mud!
Wanna hear a clean one?
He had a shower!
What does a girl and a plane have in common?
They both have cockpits.
Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost.
After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by.
He picks it up and a genie pops out.
The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, 'I wish the ocean was made of beer.'
Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, 'You idiot!
Now we have to piss in the boat!'
Heres a man who farts every morning when he gets up really hard and really loud and his wife is always tellin him dont do that or youll fartt your guts out so one night while hes sleeping she goes to the fridge and gets these chicken guts and puts them in his pants while hes asleep so when the next morning comes and he farts hes like OMG!
so he runs to the bathroom and stays in there for hours and at first the wife was laughing but then she gets concerned cause hed been in there for a while so he finally comes out and she says whats wrong and he says well it finally happend i finally farted my guts out and she says but honey why were you in there so long and he says well with the help of GOD and 2 fingers i got it all back in
Two statues are in a perk for over thirty years and all day long they just look at each others naked bodies.
One day an angel comes down and grants them life for 30 minutes.
The two statues look at each other and the woman statue says 'should we'
the man replies 'Yes'.
They then both run off in to the bushes where there is a lot of giggling going on.
The angel gives a cheeky smile as she knows what they are up to.
After fifteen minutes the statues return with a cheeky smile on their faces.
The angel says to them 'You still have fifteen minutes left'
So the man says to the woman 'want to do it again?'
the woman replies 'Yes, But this time you hold the birds head while i shit on it.'
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggies, one ass, two calves, one pussy, and some crabs on hares.