How does a blonde guy take a shower?
He pees against the wind!
Did you know that diarrhea runs in the jeans!
One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.
When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves.
So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.
One week later, she went to get some cat food.
Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat.
So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.
Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something .
She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them.
When the cashier did, he said, 'It smells like poop!'
The old lady replied, 'Can I buy some toilet paper now?'
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Because they can shoot, steal and run!
The day care bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder.
She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
15 minutes later she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds.
She repeats this gesture about 8 times.
After the 9th time he asks the lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves.
She replied that it is not possible because of their old teeth.
They can not chew them.
'Why do you buy them then?'
he asks, puzzled.
Where upon the lady answers, 'We just love to lick the chocolate around them'.
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, 'Romance'
by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!'
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, 'Chanel No.
5, $200 an ounce!'
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, 'Broccoli - 49 cents a pound'...
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Riding a bike.'
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, 'My bike.'
A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized there was no toilet paper.
There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: 'When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned.'
The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suck on it.
This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out.
The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick.
The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman.
This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly.
There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave.
This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.
The wino said 'Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!'
What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at the nursing home.