A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal.
The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
'Breast fed,' the woman replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor asked.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, 'No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came.'
Patient: 'Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.'
Doctor: 'How do you feel?'
Patient: 'A little down in the mouth!'
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
David: 'My wife beats me, doctor.'
Doctor: 'Oh dear. How often?'
David: 'Every time we play Scrabble!'
Patient: 'Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?'
Doctor: 'Not really.
It will just seem longer.'
A jelly baby goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor! doctor! I think I've got aids.'
The doctor says, 'You cant have aids you're too young!'
The jelly baby says, 'But I've been sleeping with all sorts!'
Visit to the doctors A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'
'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
'What did the doctor say?'
'He said you're going to die,'
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
'Miss Smith', he said finally, 'it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination!'
Patient: 'Doctor doctor! I feel like a pirate.'
Doctor: 'Really? How long have you felt this way?'
Patient: 'At least a yyyaaaarrrr!'
Trish: 'My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.'
Doctor: 'You should diet.'
Trish: 'Really? What color?'