My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Agony: A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it!
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind.
The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, 'Ketchup!'
What do you say to a football player in an Armani suit?
'Will the defendant please rise...'
If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart.
There is 3 Men;
One From Ireland... One From America... And One From Australia.
One Day They come upon a Wizard Who Was Standing on a Bridge.
The Wizard Said When You Jump Off Scream what you want and you will land in it.
So The Three Men Go Up onto the Bridge... The One from Ireland Says 'I Want Myself A Pot o Gold'... He Landed in a giant pot of gold.
The Man From America Yells 'I Want Thousands Of Wives... He Landed In A Pool Of Wives... The Ma From Australia Sliped And Went '
Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada.
They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region.
The pilot drops them off and tells them: 'I'll be back in one week.
No more than one moose - got it?'
One week passes, and the pilot returns.
The hunters have two moose.
The pilot says: 'Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.'
One of the hunters replies: 'Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a *big* tip to take both moose out.'
The three of them argue for several minutes more.
The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose.
Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane.
The plane shudders and strains trying to take off.
It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet....
It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree.
The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage.
One hunter looks at the other and says: 'Where the Hell are we?'
The other looks around and replies: 'About 100 yards further than we got last year!'
How do you cure mad cow disease?
With a happy meal
There were three grown men.
One named Shut Up, another named manners,and the last named poop.
Poop was pooping but he got stuck in the toilet.
Manners went up to help him.
The doorbell rang, it was the police.
Shut Up went to go get it.
They said 'Son, what is your name?'
'Im not playing any games-tell me your name.'
'WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?'
'Oh, hes upstairs getting poop out of the toilet'