Agony: A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it!
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind.
The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, 'Ketchup!'
What do you say to a football player in an Armani suit?
'Will the defendant please rise...'
If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart.
Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada.
They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region.
The pilot drops them off and tells them: 'I'll be back in one week.
No more than one moose - got it?'
One week passes, and the pilot returns.
The hunters have two moose.
The pilot says: 'Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.'
One of the hunters replies: 'Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a *big* tip to take both moose out.'
The three of them argue for several minutes more.
The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose.
Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane.
The plane shudders and strains trying to take off.
It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet....
It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree.
The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage.
One hunter looks at the other and says: 'Where the Hell are we?'
The other looks around and replies: 'About 100 yards further than we got last year!'
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
There is 3 Men;
One From Ireland... One From America... And One From Australia.
One Day They come upon a Wizard Who Was Standing on a Bridge.
The Wizard Said When You Jump Off Scream what you want and you will land in it.
So The Three Men Go Up onto the Bridge... The One from Ireland Says 'I Want Myself A Pot o Gold'... He Landed in a giant pot of gold.
The Man From America Yells 'I Want Thousands Of Wives... He Landed In A Pool Of Wives... The Ma From Australia Sliped And Went '
How do you cure mad cow disease?
With a happy meal