A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: 'Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!'
The defendant answered, 'No, we won.'
Lawyer: 'Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.'
Judge: 'And what is the nature of the new evidence?'
Lawyer: 'Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.'
How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb?
One but it has to have a good case!
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
'A million dollars,'
he answered, 'because I want to donate it to M.I.Q.T.'
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for $2 million.
'I want to give a million to my family,'
he explained, 'and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.'
The last applicant was a lawyer.
When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, 'Three million dollars.'
'Why so much more than the others?' asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, 'If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million and we'll send the engineer to Mars!'
The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident.
While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses.
After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
'Did you actually see the accident?'
The witness responded with a polite, 'Yes, sir.'
'How far away were you when the accident happened?'
'I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision.'
'Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?'
the lawyer asked, sarcastically, 'Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?'
The witness was unphased.
'Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer.
So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, 'What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?'
'I give it to them,'
replied the lawyer, 'and then I send them a bill.'
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Three... the rest are all true!
One day two men are talking with each other, one turns to the other and says 'all lawyers are assholes'
the other man says 'I take offense to that'
the other man asks 'why are you a lawyer?'
the other man says 'No im and asshole'
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.
He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.
He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died.
At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later.
Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin.
He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America.
He asked for their forgiveness.
The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity.
The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it.
He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage.
He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends.
'I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend.
I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.
Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.'
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend.
In his grief, one of the three said, 'In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they?ll have something to spend over there.'
They all agreed that this was appropriate.
The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.