An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with 'How much is two plus two?'
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, 'Four.'
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Again, the last question was, 'How much is two plus two?'
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, 'Four.'
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, 'How much is two plus two?'
The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, 'How much do you want it to be?'
A variation A university committee was selecting a new dean.
They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: 'How much is two plus two?'
The mathematician answered immediately, 'Four.'
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, 'Four, plus or minus one.'
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him.
In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, 'How much do you want it to be?'
Circular Logic Two men are in court on drug charges.
The judge says, 'If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I'll let you two off.'
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
'I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,'
the first man says.
the judge replies.
'What did you tell them?'
'I drew two circles;
one big, one small.
I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.'
The other defendant says, 'I got 100 people to give up drugs!'
asks the judge.
'Well, I drew the same two circles.
I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...''
A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge!
How are lawyers like whores?
They both get paid to screw people!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope!
What do you call throwing all the lawyers in the ocean?
A good start!
How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
Cut the rope!
What is the definition 'lucky break?'
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a 'crying shame'?
There was an empty seat.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water!
It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.