Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer 1.
Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
Your lawyer picks the jury by playing 'duck-duck-goose.'
Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
A prison guard is shaving your head.
What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them!
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, 'MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!'
'You're a lawyer aren't you?'
asked the policeman.
'Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!'
the lawyer asked.
You lawyers are always so materialistic.
All you care about is your possessions.
I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?'
the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, 'MY ROLEX!'
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four, one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company!
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Officer, who provided this description?
The officer who responded to the scene.
A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?
Yes sir, with my life.
With your life?
Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
Yes sir, we do.
And do you have a locker in that room?
Yes sir, I do.
And do you have a lock on your locker?
Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand!
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
Two lawyers are leaving the office.
'I can't wait to get home,' says one of them.
'As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off.'
'I know the feeling,' the other says.
'No, I'm serious,' says the first.
'They're killing me.'