How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)
He does not have a beer gut... He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys) He has a personal war reserve stock. (army guys)
He is not quiet... He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.
He is not stupid... He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.
He does not get lost all the time... He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.
He is not balding... He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.
He is not a cradle robber... He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.
He does not get falling-down drunk... He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.
He is not short... He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.
He does not have a rich daddy... He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.
He does not constantly talk about cars... He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.
He does not have a hot body... He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.
He is not unsophisticated... He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.
He does not eat like a pig... He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.
He is not a bad dancer... He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.
He does not hog the blankets... He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.
He is not a male chauvinist pig... He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.
He is not afraid of commitment... He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.
Why are there so many trees along the streets of Paris?
So the Germans can march in the shade.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A private is alone on sentry duty when the phone rings in his box.
Hello?' a voice shouts down the phone.
'Are there many vehicles in the officer's car park?' The sentry steps out of his box and looks across the road, where a solitary Bentley is parked.
He goes back to the box and answers the caller.
'Only that fat bastard General Jackson's car,' he says.
'Do you know who you're talking to?' booms the voice down the line.
'This is General Jackson!' 'Do you know who you're talking to?' the private replies, completely unflustered.
'No,' General Jackson answers.
'Well, fuck off then, fat arse,' the private replies.
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, 'That's not it!'
And put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, 'That's it!'
An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The message for the B-52 crew was, 'Anything you can do, I can do better.'
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, 'So?
What did you do?'
'We just shut down two engines.'
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says 'Are you crazy?
You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass?
You must do something spectacular for that recognition!'
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked 'How did you do it?'
'Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs.
I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank.
I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up.
I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a three-day pass?
So we exchanged tanks!'
The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details.
A sergeant reported thoughtfully: 'Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men.'
'What is it?'
the officer got interested.
'Two hundred soldiers.'
Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting:
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles.
7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
6. Get rid of all those creepy 'Richard Simmons Wants You' posters.
5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television. 24 hours a day.
4. Superiors may now be addressed as 'Dude'.
3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center.
2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island.
1. New slogan 'Army of One' replaces 'Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!'