An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.
The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.
Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts.
Then the preacher said, 'Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me.'
So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart.
And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.
The little old lady turned to her husband and said, 'He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!'
There was an old couple sitting at a table.
The old man said to the old lady, 'I remember 50 years ago we were sitting at this very table.'
The old woman said, 'Yes, and we were probably naked as jay birds.'
The old man said, 'Well, what do you say..wanna get naked?'
So they both stripped.
The old woman said, 'You know hunny, my breasts are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago.'
a The old man replied, 'I can imagine, one is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee.'
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer.
The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, 'Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India.
I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me.
Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us.
I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled.
The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR!
I soiled myself.'
The reporter said, 'Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.'
The old explorer said, 'No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!''
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, 'If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.'
The old man snaps back, 'Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.'
A punk and an old man were sitting on a park bench.
The old man stared at the punk with interest.
After a while he said- ' dear kid, I remember once when I was young, I screwed a parrot.
I was thinking if you were my son?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
An old man once told us......
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care.
We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.