A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.
He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealth fully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, 'Father, remember psalm 129?'
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again Said, 'Father, remember psalm 129?'
Once again the priest apologized.
'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
He had two parrots.
A cussing one, and a holy one.
Cussing parrot was green and the holy one was white.
The priest usually use to carry white one to church.
So it happens a day that somebody sprayed the white to green and the green to white.
So good one was bad and bad one was good.
So church day comes now, The priest comes now to pick up the white parrot to carry it church.
The priest gave the parrot three breads which indicates blessings, and every time he prayed for a blessing the parrot would drop a bread from above.
The blessings now was for three men that had to be offered up.
But it happen by chance one extra man came.
So the priest prayed and ask God for blessing on the first man.
The parrot dropped a bread.
Second man come now the priest said father God father God Please for blessing the parrot dropped a next a bread, third man come now priest said father God father God please for a blessing parrot drop bread.( fourth man come now- priest said father God father God plz for a blessing) Then the priest looks up to the parrot, the parrot says, 'EH this look to u like FUCKING bread shop', and shits in priest face.
Then parrot says, 'You give me fucking extra bread!'
Then flies out the church!
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.
The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window.
he began, ?I would like three pickets to titsburg.?
Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached.
?Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,?
he began, ?and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.?
So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third.
?Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes.
And I must say,?
he continued, ?if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St.
Finger?s going to shake his peter at you.?
An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man.
He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man: 'Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?'
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered: 'I wear this collar because I am a Father'.
The old man thought a second and responded: 'Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways.
Why do you wear your collar so differently?'
The priest thought for a minute and said: 'Sir, I am the father for many.'
The old man quickly answered: 'I too am the father of many.
I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count.
But I wear my collar like everyone else does.'
'Why do you wear it your way?'
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out: 'Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people!'
The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and was silent for a long time.
As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said: 'Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards.'
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads: SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES - He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES - Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT - His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, What may we do for you, my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.'
'Very well, my son.
Please follow me.'
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.'
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him..
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: - GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
Three guys went up to heaven, as they came to the gate St peter was there and said to them, 'If you have done any sins you well go straight to hell or be punished some other way.'
So all the guys said, 'Ok'
Then St Peter said, 'But since heaven is so big you have to have some kind of transportation on wheels.'
Then St Peter asked the first guy, 'Have you ever cheated on your wife?'
And the guy said, 'Yes, but only 2.'
So he got a small compact car.
St Peter asked the second guy, 'Have you ever cheated on your wife?'
And he said, 'Yes but only once.'
So he got a small car but still bigger then the first guys car.
Then St peter asked the last guy, 'Have you ever cheated on your wife?'
And he said, 'No never!'
So he got a huge giant classic car, and he drove off happy.
The next day the first and second guy noticed that the guy with the big car was really upset, and they asked, 'What's wrong?'
And he said, 'I was driving around in my car, and I saw my wife.
She was on a skateboard!'
Three men go to a church and ask to be forgiven for their sins.
The priest asks the first man what he did.
The man replies, 'I robbed a bank.'
The 2nd man tells the priest he killed a man.
The priest says that is really bad and to go drink the holy water and he will be forgiven.
The third man starts to laugh, so the priest asks him: 'And what sin have you committed?'
The third man replies, 'I pissed in the holy water!'
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.
'Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?' he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
'I was a good father,' he answers.
'Yes, but you were a drunk all your life.
In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry.
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, 'Come on, Penny, let's get out of here!'
A Scottish priest was an avid golfer who would try to play every chance he got.
One Sunday morning he noticed the perfect weather conditions and decided to skip the service.
He called in a back-up preacher and drove 10 miles away where nobody would recognize him to play golf.
The Priest's guardian angel was watching this and was shocked, and turned to God and said 'Look at what he's doing!
He should be punished!'
The preacher swung at the ball and shot it perfectly.
It sailed perfectly and landed square in the hole 400 yards away -- a hole in one.
He was perplexed and screaming for joy.
The guardian angel was confused.
He turned to God and said, 'I thought you were going to punish him!?'
'Think about it -- who can he tell?'
A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, 'Make me one with everything.'