A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
Here was this man in a bar he ordered a shot he finished the shot and peeked into his pocket then orders another shot and agian peeks into his poket he asks for another drink the bar-tender finally says "ill bring you drinks all night if you tell me why you keep llooking into your pocket!"
the man said that "
he has a picture of his wife in his pocket and as soon as she starts to look good i can go home "
A man went for an audition at a local club.
"You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here."
"No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?"
"Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'.
We've been cleaning up ever since."
A guy walked into a bar... OUCH!
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a crown and coke.The bartender brings him an apple.The man says:I want a crown and coke,not a fucking apple.The bartender says take a bite.He takes a bite and says that tastes just like crown.the bartender says turn it over and take another bite.
He takes another bite and he says that tastes just like coke.
So he orders a few more and leaves.The next night he returns back to the same bar.He orders a crown and coke and the bartender says I have a something you might enjoy.I can make you something that tastes just like pussy.He says hell,I will have one of those.The bartender brings him an apple and tells him to take a bite.The man took a bite,then he spit it out and says:Gross!That tastes like shit!The bartender says: Turn it over!
3 vampires walk into a bar.
The 1st one sits and orders a glass of hot blood, the 2nd sits and orders a glass of cold blood.
When the 3rd one sits down she orders a glass of hot water.
The bartender questions why the vampire would order hot water instead of blood.
She reaches down and pulls out a tampon and says, "I want tea."
A slightly drunk man walks up to the bartender and says "hey thats a funny looking bird"
the bartender replies "thats a dodo bird"
the bartender places a nut on the bar table and says "dodo bird nut"
the bird flies over and ripes the nut to shreds he then places his shoe on the table and says "dodo bird my shoe"
the bird flies over and ripes the shoe to shreds.
then a man walks up to the counter and says "thats the ugliest bird i have ever seen"
the bartender replies "thats a dodo bird watch your mouth"
the man replies "dodo bird my DICk"!!
BEVERAGES On halloween night this vampire goes into a bar and orders a cup of warm blood.
Bartender says oh what the hell and served him.
He drank it down and left.
Few minutes later another vampire comes in and orders a cup of warm blood and drinks it and leaves.
This happens 3 or 4 times and finally a vampire comes in and says give me a cup of hot water and the bartender says what no warm blood and the vampire pulls out a used tampon and says no its tea time.
A Frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine.
The Frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well.
The Frenchie asks the landlord, "What is that dirty camel doing in here?"
The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.
The Landlord looks at the Frenchie and says: "You want a go?".
To which the Frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."
Two men are sitting around drinking.
One guys says to the other, "I bet I could gross you out right now"
The other guy says, "No way you could gross me out, whatever you do I could top"
So the first guy looks at the second guy and sticks his fingers down his throat and vomits all over the table.
The second guy looks at him and says "
Nice Try ", and pulls out a straw....