Bar Jokes
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Bar Jokes

This page contains 10 Bar Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Bar Jokes first.

A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small.
The man, 'I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp.
A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes.
First, I wished for all the money in the world.
Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world.'
'Yeah?'
'And then I wished for a little head.'


Here was this man in a bar he ordered a shot.
He finished the shot and peeked into his pocket.
Then orders another shot and agian peeks into his pocket.
He asks for another drink.
The bar-tender finally says, 'Ill bring you drinks all night if you tell me why you keep looking into your pocket!'
The man said that he has a picture of his wife in his pocket and as soon as she starts to look good I can go home.


Iowa Taxidermist This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: 'You ain't from around here, are ya...
where ya from, boy?'
The guy says, 'I'm from Iowa.'
The bartender asks, 'What th' hell you do in Iowa?'
The guy responds, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The bartender asks, 'A taxidermist...
now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?'
The guy says, 'I mount animals.'
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, 'It's OK boys, he's one of us!'


A man went for an audition at a local club.
'You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here.'
'No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?'
'Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'.
We've been cleaning up ever since.'


A guy walks in and sits down at a bar.
His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, 'Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?'
The guy says, 'Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.'
'Yeah?' asks the bartender, 'What did she do?'
Guy, 'She hit me with her bag of quarters!'


A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his arse.
The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says: 'Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern.
I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out.
The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said..
No shit!'


Why were guys put on this earth?
Because vibrators can't buy you a drink!


Bush Lovers A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television.
After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, 'Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen.'
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs.
Bush appeared on the television.
'She's a horse's ass too,'
the man.
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
'Damn it!'
the man said, climbing back up to the bar.
'This must be Bush country!'
'Nope,'
the bartender replied.
'Horse country!'


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer.
When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, 'Come on you little git, spit it out!'


Forgetful fellow A man walks into a bar with his wife.
His wife sits down while he orders a drink and a friend of his asks him where he's been.
'on holiday.'
he replies.
'whereabouts on holiday?'
his friend asks.
'some little village on the coast.'
'whats it called?'
'I forget.
Whats the name of that plant that grows up the side of houses?'
'ivy.'
'Thats it,'
he says, 'Ivy, whats the name of that village we stayed in in Spain?'


 



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