Bar Jokes
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Bar Jokes

This page contains 10 Bar Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Bar Jokes first.

Three men at a bar Every Friday night, three men go to a bar and complain about their wives.
Well the bartender gets sick of hearing about this every week so he tells the men to go home and do what their wives want for a week then come back and tell me what happened.
Well next Friday comes around and the men are not complaining.
The bartender asks what happened.
The first guy says his wife asked him to clean the dishes, so I did but I chipped one and she yelled and said, 'Why don't you just break them all.'
So I did and now she wants a divorce.
The second guy goes that's nothing, I was replacing shingles on my roof but I knocked one down.
She yelled and said, 'Why don't you just tear the whole house down', so I did and now shes in shock.
The third guy goes, 'Damn, I got it easy, last night I was fooling around a little down their, and she told me to cut it out, so I did ...'

There are these 3 vampires.
The first vampire walks into a bar and says, 'Bartender, give me a shot of blood.'
The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, 'Bartender, give me a shot of blood.'
The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar and says, 'Bartender, give me a shot of water.'
The bartender says, 'Why do you want a shot of water?'
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, 'Tea time.'

A guy walked into a bar... OUCH!

3 bums were outside a bar.
The first one went in and asked for a fork.
The second one went in and also asked for a fork.
Then the third one went in and wanted a straw.
At this point, the bartender became curious.
'How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?'
'Well', the bum said, 'the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone.'

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: hamburger: $1;
cheeseburger: $2;
hand job: $10.
He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter.
'Can I help you?'
she asks with a knowing smile.
'I was wondering', whispers the man, 'are you the one who gives the hand jobs?'
'Yes'
she purrs, 'I am.'
'Well, wash your hands'
he says, 'I want a cheeseburger.'

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar.
The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, 'What in the world happened to you, buddy?'
The guy says 'Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.'
'Yeah?'
asks the bartender.
'What did she do?'
'She hit me with her bag of quarters!'

What did the bartender say to his customers?
Men, Viagra now comes in liquid form.
You can pour yourselves a real stiff one!

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'
The farmer says, 'Some things you just can't explain?'
'So what happened that is so horrible?'
the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, 'Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.'
'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'
The farmer says, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So what happened?'
the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.
Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.'
'Again?'
The farmer says, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So, what did you do then?'
the man asked, intrigued.
'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
'Wow, you must have been pretty upset!?
but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.'
The farmer says, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So then what else did you do?'
the man asked again.
'Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in'

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, 'Why the long face?'

Buy me a beer if you want the story told.
Of why I moved down South from the frost and cold.
Why I’m knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills.
Why I’ve given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills.
Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells.
And why I’ll celebrate Xmas when it freezes in hell.
You’ll never see this elf make angels in snow.
Hey thanks for the booze – so I guess here it goes: 'Twas the night after Christmas in the North Pole.
No creatures were stirring, not one lousy soul.
Santa’s house appeared eerily silent.
But inside the fat man was hungry, was violent.
This workshop of toys for kids of all ages.
Was filled with elves quaking in cages.
Who woke up from their long winter’s naps.
To find themselves snared in a devious trap.
Hours before I had been bingeing on nog.
Passed out under the bed, I spied the whole saga.
I saw all my brothers rounded up in cages.
Sleepy victims of wicked midnight rampages.
Then what to my horrified eyes should appear.
But a wild-eyed Santa pinching an elf by the ear.
Each little sprite shook in their tights and boots.
That this monster was Santa, no one could refute.
His size and his beard gave him away as St.
Nick.
His fangs and his scales made me quite sick.
Blood seemed to stain his white fluffy trim.
He was hunched, drooling, and disgustingly slim.
'Come little helper!
Climb into my maw!'
He laughed, then casually ate the elf raw.
He greedily sucked the imp’s hide off the bone.
I was awed!
I was scared!
I was truly alone!
Dainty elf paws clutched bars and cried.
Drunk on denial;
confounded by why.
(He lost his count during his murderous spree Thought he’d rounded up most, but forgot about me!) His hunger was wracking his hunched-over frame.
With a crippling appetite that didn’t know shame.
'Don’t eat us!
We love you!
Look at our faces!'
The doomed little elves made their sad cases.
But Santa ignored them with a swipe of his fist.
Pulled out some parchment and started a list: 'Silence, you nuggets – I’m trying to think.
Who to char-broil, who to blend into drink.
Who to dice, fillet, bake or panfry.
Who to boil in soup, who to stuff in a pie'
These taunts seemed so strange to come from a man.
Who held the dreams of children in his hands.
Teeth full of gristle, he then sadly revealed.
To his captive chorus of angel-faced veal, That humans are greedy, petty, drunk on their vices.
And each Yuletide revel exacts gruesome prices.
These prices are paid by the magical gnomes.
Who hammer the toys that clutter up homes.
The payment’s a life – one for each holiday sin.
Delivered by Santa, after his joyful break-ins.
Perhaps he was cursed by the Easter Bunny.
Or an April Fool’s jester who thought it’d be funny.
The Great Pumpkin, Jack Frost or just maybe – That jealous and bratty New Years Eve baby.
Maybe it was a clue, how well we were fed.
On cookies, cakes, lard balls and bread.
But our nature’s to love, not to distrust.
So we hugged the fat Claus’s and finished each crust.
Ignorant to what would soon transpire We’d collapse in heaps by the crackling fire.
Expecting the old man to come flying back And start making next years toys for his sack.
But how does he have enough sprites for his belly?
The final act of sorrow starts as fetal elf jelly.
That ferments inside his wife until it’s a broth Filled with thimble-sized elves that surge forth like froth.
And these newborn elves, spawned pure from her womb.
Don’t understand: their workshop is really a tomb Their dimples are gumdrops, they sneeze pixie dust.
Santa doesn’t hate them – he’s cursed with a lust.
Elves are packed with vitamins A, C, and E We’re awfully juicy, tart yet also fruity, We go well with gravy and mayonnaise and toast But casserole is how Santa likes us the most.
Barbecued, fricasseed, or flambeed Sunny-side up, shish-ka-bobbed or flayed.
Prepared anyway, our flesh is quite delicious And it’s not like toy-happy children will miss us.
Goodbye Carl, Zud, Sprinkles and Jan!
Blossom, Hortense, Cobweb, and Stan!
Julie, Miss Knickers, Fidget, and Ralph.
I’m sorry you’re dead, you wonderful elf.
A mouthed greased with fat, Santa then hibernated.
As Mrs.
Claus squatted and grossly gestated And all that is left of my cherubic siblings.
Was a pile of bells, curly-toed boots – mostly elf things So much for good cheer!
But don’t shed a tear: This gruesome cycle has happened for hundreds of years.
And as the fist to survive Father’s murderous rout In a month I stopped hiding and got the hell out.'
Now I spend my days soaking under a sun like a yolk (Yeah, I wish I’d have saved all or some of my folk) I now have a tan where the rum’s in supply.
Sewing up flags for Captain Fourth of July.




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