Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted.
The top thirteen changes under a government run by pro wrestlers.
13. Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
12. President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.
11. IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.
10. Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-- Hey, wait a minute...
9. Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
8. Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
7. January 20: Inauguration ceremonies January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids.
6. Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.
5. During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.
4. Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
3. Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
2. Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
1. Before: Mr. Vice President†After: Stone Cold Cheney
An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.
"You used to sit closer to me," said the woman.
So the man moved closer.
"You used to put your arm around me."
So the man put his arm around her.
"You used to nibble on my ear."
"Let me get my teeth."
Blix, Welcome to Iraq!
It is so good of you and your Weapons Inspectors to visit my humble nation once again.
My people are overjoyed to assist the totally neutral and gloriously impotent UN in serving their American Masters.
I realize that many of you would much rather be touring the Third World for some magnificently ineffective do-nothing NGO, but alas you are here compromising your values on behalf of Western oil companies.
Before you wipe the blood from your hands and get down to the business of concocting reasons for the US to bomb us back to the stone ages of 1991, I thought Iíd help reorient you to the ways of magical Baghdad with a few "Dos"
DO: Slavishly patronize Baghdad locals with chocolate bars and worthless Western baubles.
Nothing ingratiates us more to intrusive throngs of chubby, sweaty, lobster-red warmongers then when they pass out meaningless tchotkes to us Third World "savages."
We will remember these tokens as we dance on your bleached bones.
DO: Ignore my playful peoples penchant for recreational HAZMAT suit use.
Moreover, ignore the glowing, three-tailed rats that are indigenous to Baghdad.
While youíre at it, ignore the totally desolate warehouse full of rotting canisters at the corner of Saddam Is Great Avenue and Drown In Blood Yankee Dogs Boulevard.
DO: Feel free to enter any building, factory, or hospital you desire.
And while youíre busy violating my paranoid and fragile egos sovereignty, feel free to double-check the bedpans of the dying, gut the teddy bears of orphans, and pour into the dirt any and all bottles of weapons grade baby formula you might uncover.
DONíT: Forget your high-tech Weapons of Mass Destruction Poking Sticks or Nintendo Gameboys at the hotel.
We know that without these useless, aesthetic "tools"
you cannot unearth the make-believe stores of plutonium I donít have hidden underneath my opulent Presidential Palaces that my people willed me to build for my own noble pleasures.
DONíT: Ignore the cultural relativism we know you studied in your Liberal Arts Colleges.
We humble Iraqis have a far different culture than the advanced West.
Whereas you respect the differences between languages, cultures and value systems, I want to kill.
Kill you, your family, friends, grammar school teachers, the Israelis, whole bunches of Saudis and just for good measure, my new yet treacherous-looking barber Adnan.
DONíT: Mock our cherished Iraqi way of life.
While you might think it barbaric and backward, our seemingly brutal governmental system is based on sound fascistic principles that have helped keep the majority of Arabs in splendid desolate squalor for decades.
I truly hope your stay here is a positive experience.
I pray that those of you I do not like do not accidentally get caught in the crossfire of the invasion you are busy inventing!
In Me I Trust, Saddam
Did you hear the one about the cannibal, who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?
A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced.
he said, "I withdraw what I said.
Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face.
The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
he says looking and sounding relieved, "this is very important."
"Glad to help,"
she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper.
Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
Feudalism: You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
Communism: You have two cows.
You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Capitalism: You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Somebody recent vandalized the local nudist camp.
They put a hole in the wall, and the police are currently looking into it!
One day a little girl was sitting at the breakfast table with her mother.
The little girl said "Mom how come you have grey hairs?"
"Well sweety, i have gray hairs because everytime you are bad ar do something one of my hairs turn gray,"
replied her mom.
The little girl thaught for a while and then said, "How come Gramdmom has so manny gray hairs?"