Clean Jokes

This page contains 10 Clean Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Clean Jokes first.

President Bush is so stupid, he tried to hide in a corner in the Oval Office.

You stink so bad, you make: �Right Guard turn left
Speed Stick slow down
Secret obvious
and Sure confused!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, 'What is this, father?'
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, 'I have no idea what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, 'Go get your mother.'

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job.
He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help.
He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.
He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

You are so poor... When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked what you were doing.
You said you were moving!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?'
Watson pondered for a minute.
'Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?'
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
'It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.'

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake.
On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red.
The man pulled over, and the red man asked, 'Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway.
Have anything to eat?'
The man smiled and handed him a sandwich.
He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green.
He stopped and the guy in green said, 'Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway.
Have anything to drink?'
Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke.
He started off again and started to speed down the highway.
Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue.
Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said, 'Let me guess.
You're the blue jerk of the highway.
What do you want?'
'Registration and license please'
came the reply.

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.
The first boy says, 'My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.'
The second boy says, 'My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.'
The third boy says, 'My name is Peanuts.'

According to a recent government publication... A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S.
Treasury!

A drunken student is showing a girl he picked up around his flat.
After going through the house the girl notices there's a giant gong and a mallet in one of the rooms.
She asks, 'What's the deal with the gong?'
He replies, 'That's not a gong, its a talking clock.'
She is amazed and asks how it works.
The man proceeds to whack the the gong with the mallet, the two of them stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'HEY MAN!, it's three fifteen in the bloody morning!'

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