Steak and sex are two of my favorite things.
I have them both the same way -- very rare.
Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?
It was untweetable!
Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water.
One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp.
Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish.
The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof!
the wish was granted.
All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.
Now we have to piss in the boat!"
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says: "I hate my mother-in-law!"
The other replies: "Well, just eat your noodles, then!"
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex,"
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground.
"Here," she said.
"You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane as the locket sees a young man staring at her at length during a party.
After the party the woman asks, "Wear you admiring my airplane?"
Man, "No, I was admiring the landing field."
There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian.
All are at the urinals.
The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves.
He says to the others, "In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat."
The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean.
He says, "At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware."
The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.
The Aussie says over his shoulder, "In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands."
What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video.
He found it to be a great but complicated job.
One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he could buy a phone card.
So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80.
He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes.
Unfortunately when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.
That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short.
The manager thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.
And the moral to this story is: "Guys get in trouble over missed periods!"
Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"
When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm.
I thought cops had to be physically fit."
Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.
Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
When he asks you to walk the line, "River dance"
Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.
When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"