The best pick up line... Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian.
All are at the urinals.
The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves.
He says to the others, 'In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat.'
The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean.
He says, 'At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware.'
The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.
The Aussie says over his shoulder, 'In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands.'
Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?
It was untweetable!
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.
They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks.
The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk.
But the pilot objected and he said, 'The plane can only take four of your elk;
you will have to leave two behind.'
They argued with him;
the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard.
The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard.
But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, 'Do you know where we are?'
'I think so,'
replied the other hunter.
I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!'
HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS.
BUSH AUTHORIZED A 700 MILE FENCE TO BE BUILT ALONG THE BORDER WITH MEXICO.
WE ALREADY HAVE ALL THE MEXICAN SWIMMERS AND HIKERS NOW WE WILL HAVE ALL THEIR POLE VAULTERS TOO
The queen of england invited the Pope to buckingham palace to wave to the crowd and the queen says 'I can make all the english men cheer for 10 minutes straight with a wave of my hand'
so she waves her hand and the english men cheer for 10 minutes.
Then the pope says 'I can make all the irish men cheer for 15 minutes straight with a nod of my head'
so all the irish men are cheering for 15 minutes straight bacause the pope headbutted the queen
Who is Jack Schitt?
The lineage is finally revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt.
The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers.
The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So, NOW if someone says: 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can beg to differ.
You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
One day two kids were wandering around near a stream.
One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream.
The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend.
When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away.
The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, 'Why did you run away.'
The other boy said, 'My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone.
Then I felt something get very hard so I ran.'
How do you circumcisce a whale?
With four skin-divers...
The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers
4. Chocolate Frosted