There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian.
All are at the urinals.
The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves.
He says to the others, 'In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat.'
The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean.
He says, 'At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware.'
The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.
The Aussie says over his shoulder, 'In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands.'
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.
They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks.
The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk.
But the pilot objected and he said, 'The plane can only take four of your elk;
you will have to leave two behind.'
They argued with him;
the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard.
The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard.
But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, 'Do you know where we are?'
'I think so,'
replied the other hunter.
I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!'
The best pick up line... Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch.
Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal.
Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with 'Hello Ned!
How are you?
Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned.
After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
'Ned, you're pretty popular!'
'I'm the most popular man in the world,'
says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world.'
Ned replies 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!'
answers Bill, 'How about the President of the United States?'
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House.
The president answers, 'Ned!
How are you doing?
I haven't seen you in ages!'
The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
'That was luck!'
says Bill, 'Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!'
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen.
'Hello Ned my boy!
What have you been up to these days?'
They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, 'Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!'
says Ned, 'Let's go!'
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope.
After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak.
And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him.
Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground.
He rushes down and wakes him up.
Bill opens his eyes and says, 'Ned.
You're the most popular man in the world.'
'I told you that, Bill,'
says Ned, 'but you didn't faint when I knew the President!
You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!'
'Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope,'
'But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said 'Who's that up there with Ned?'
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
'Have you any last requests?' asked the chaplain.
replied the murderer, 'will you hold my hand?'
A cop was riding a bicycle looking for a crook.
He saw the crook and started chasing him, but the crook went into the bush and the policeman had to leave the bike and chase him on foot.
The cop caught the crook and told him he must not move while he gets his bike.
As soon as the cop left for the bike, the crook disappeared.
The following day the policeman saw the same guy and ran after him, leaving his bike behind.
He caught the guy and told him that since he had run away the previous day, the crook had to go and get the bike while the cop waited for him.
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.
Then, he discovered the problem;
a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, 'SPEED TRAP AHEAD'.
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted 'TIPS'
and a bucket of change.
What do you do if you see a politician walking down the road with half a head?
Stop laughing and reload.
These two cannibals were eating a clown when one of them looks at the other and asks 'does this taste kinda funny to you?'
A Mexican walks into a bakery and asks, 'Excuse me, may I have a bum, please?'
The baker laughs and says, 'Oh, you must mean a bun, sure, here you go.'
The Mexican next goes to the hardware store.
He asks the clerk, 'Excuse me, can I get a fucket here?'
The clerk laughs and says, 'Oh, you must mean a bucket.
The Mexican then goes to a pet shop.
He asks the manager, 'May I have a Cockandspankit?'
The manager laughs and says.
'I think I misunderstood you, you must mean a Cocker Spaniel.
On his way home, the Mexican loses the leash on his dog.
The Mexican frantically runs after it and yells at a woman and asks, 'Can you please hold my bum and fuck it, while I go get my cock and spank it?'